A Friend?

I decided long ago to measure my life in friends not years.

And after much of life has gone by and so much more of life is to come, my mind turned in the direction of what my "age-in-friends" is.

Along the way I've questioned and even proven wrong some standard myths about friends... "A man and a woman can't be friends", "Never get into business with a friend", "You can't be friends with an ex".... Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt!

What is a friend? In today's over-communicated world, the lines between acquaintances, friends, close-friends, best-friends, and in some cases family is blurred. I'm closer to and trust some of my friends more than family and there are members of my family who are more friends than family to me. So clearly the traditional definitions of a friend don't really hold for me and I suspect they don't hold for most people I know.

Facebook tells me I have more than 500 friends, I hope that's not true because THAT sounds like a huge responsibility. Friends (as defined by me, not facebook!) to me are as much an 'asset' as they are a 'responsibility'...

Is a friend someone who makes you smile, laugh, have a good time? Not to me.. That's only part of what a friend is... A friend to me is someone you can depend on, does not (should not) matter how far apart you may be physically... Someone I need not meet for days, weeks, months, years and then in an instant and a hug pick up where you left off. And pick up such that there was never a gap!

They say that "friends are the new family" and I couldn't agree more. Its probably also true because families are a lot smaller and geographically spread today. Some of my closest friends, some of my oldest friends are to me what family must have been to generations gone by. These are people I love and trust with my deepest (darkest!) secrets. People whom I KNOW to know me well, know what makes me tick, what ticks me off and most importantly accept me with (maybe even, because of) all my flaws. These are friends I can count off on the fingers of my hands.... Literally.

And then there are friends, there are friends who mean something to me but don't necessarily mean "something" to me. I could have fun with them, I could be there for them, I could even depend on them sometimes... But would I close my eyes and jump, knowing that they have me covered - I don't think so. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy such friends' company, think they're very good human beings who mean well, know me well too and are probably really good and dependable friends to other people... Just not for me. So much of being friends is about time and making choices. Its true that there is no substitute for time, if for no other reason then because of the sheer myriad of experiences you end up sharing with someone whom you've known forever (or so it seems, anyway).

Relationships are all about making choices, friendships are certainly much the same. In the life of a friendship, you are inevitably faced with situations which test your bond with a friend, your loyalty even. And if you're really unlucky, this could be a choice of loyalties between 2 friends, almost an impossible choice, you can't win that one. You make a choice and then watch the consequences unfold right in front of your eyes... it is NOT pretty but c'est la vie. Is the reverse true? If a friend stands by you in an hour of need, at a time you need to have shoulders next to yours, would that friend automatically be a 'true' friend... You know something - I've seen this in 1 or 2 people and found that, damn right - its true! An old friend comes to mind, she inevitably surprises me with her intense loyalty when things come down to the crunch and its left me speechless - more than once.

An old and very close friend once asked me, "atul, what's more important, a friend or the truth?". I'd like to say I instinctively knew the answer to that, but I must admit - I was foxed. And after much deliberation, convinced myself that the truth was more important to me than a friend (idealistic idiot!). Life has taught me otherwise.......

"Be the change you want to see"

A certain upright, principled, righteous, honest man said this many years ago. He had a dream for India and in many ways that dream lies in tatters. If only we had just 1 such leader amongst us today, just 1, the rest of the blueprint would fall into place almost magically.... but that's a debate for another day.

Be the change you want to see - i had often wondered what that means, what does it really, truly mean. What can I do that will make any difference at all? how does it matter what I individually do ?

I need to be a more law-abiding citizen and not cut corners wherever I can to get a leg up and get ahead of others. Each and every one of us needs to be less of a liability for the law-enforcers in our cities and our countries so that they can focus on doing what they are meant to protect us from lawbreakers. The police should not be policing us from ourselves and each other.

Each of us has inched our cars / vehicles those 2 extra feet onto the zebra crossing which requires policing... jumped the red lights late in the night etc etc.paid that little bribe to save ourselves trouble, save ourselves time...

The more of us that are law-abiding, the less of us need to be policed and the less of us need to be policed, the more time the police, the authorities have to protect US.

I'm not saying this will change the country or save us terrorism, but it will make a difference in attitude and that always goes a long way.

(the quote is by Mahatma Gandhi - for those may not know)

A Crying Shame

It was an unending, mind-numbing, relentless 60 hours in the end. Almost every minute of it was unbelievable, I kept thinking it’s got to end now but it didn’t. it went on and on. I found out about the carnage within 45 minutes of it starting. The first reaction was déjà vu, “oh no, not a series of bomb blasts again”. Obviously had no idea that it was going to be worse, much much worse.

I could relive the entire horror and recount the series of events, and my reactions but I suspect they will be imprinted in my mind for the rest of my life. Seeing grenades go off in the lobby of the Trident-Oberoi, where I had spent a few hours just the day before, was a horror, it was shock to the power of 100. Watching the terrorists running around downtown Bombay like it was their playground was annoying, was shocking, was “…..” – the English language does not have the right word for the emotion. Gunfire from within buildings that I frequented and loved was a new feeling, a new emotion. I felt pain when the twin towers in New York went down because I visited there just 2 months before 9/11, it felt close because of that. But these were places I went to every other week. These places meant something to me, had become part of my life in the last 7 years that I have lived in Bombay and have come to love it like my HOME.

I must admit I had tears in my eyes at several times while watching the horror unfold in those 3 days, this can’t be happening. This is inhuman, how can we allow this to happen to people, regular people, people like you and me. When did civil society come to this?

The post-mortem and mudslinging has begun and while a lot of it is being done by the politicians, regular people and “imminent” personalities are not averse to it either. Emotions are running high and people are saying and doing things they will regret later. (Some politicians already are regretting it!)

And while it is completely natural for emotions to be uncontrollable and screeching voices are inevitable, it is also not smart to lose sight of the bigger picture. War on Pakistan cannot be the answer. The US waged war on Afghanistan and ostensibly Iraq to fight terrorism and we all know where that has ended up. Do we really want to trade innocent deaths for soldier deaths. And let’s not forget Pakistan, unlike Afghanistan and Iraq, is a nuclear state. The problem of Terrorism is not something that came up in days, weeks or months. IT has been festering for years and unfortunately cannot be wished away or gotten rid of with quick-fixes. It will take years to rid ourselves of this scourge and the reality is that it is in many ways a war of attrition.

The other terrible trap that we must be wary of is peaking with our outrage and anger in the immediate aftermath of the attack which is bound to flame out. It is absolutely essential that the outrage be sustained and lasting. The pattern of the past has been that we have all reacted but not responded.

What matters is not that we have a solution, what matters is that we must make progress. What irks the typical Indian on the street and I count myself amongst those Indians is that we are not making progress against terrorism in India. What irks us is that we are getting worse in terms of safety and security against indiscriminate killing. Real concrete steps are required and while many (most?) have lost faith in the government, I for one have not. I believe change has to be driven through the establishment and not around it. Baying for politicians blood is simply futile and akin to axing your own feet. Hot pursuit of terrorists in camps in POK may be part of this plan but cannot and should not be the backbone of it. Action just for the sake of action is not the answer. Who will come up with this plan, certainly not me, certainly not the common Indian – we are neither adept not trained to do so.

It is our responsibility to hold our elected representatives responsible for their actions and most importantly for the RESULTS of such actions. Putting together action groups that can work towards doing this is constructive. Signing on-line petitions, lighting candles, changing facebook status to reflect our outrage, forwarding emails expressing shock, vowing not to vote will all help each of us to assuage our own anger but will it do anything else – I doubt it.

The need of the hour is to RESPOND not REACT.

 

Ladakh / Zanskar August 2008

More Photos in slide-show, In the left margin

I'd never done something like this before and I must admit I was more than a little skeptical about doing it! Upping and going for a holiday by myself with a group of people of whom i knew none............................. but its the best thing i ever did and ended up on the holiday of my life!

I had seen some photos of he rafting trip (not too many, wanted to keep it a mystery for myself) and some of Pangong Tso... and Zanskar and Ladakh beckoned..

the start of the trip wasn't the best, our flight took off from Delhi, hovered over Leh but we DIDN'T land... poor visibility and the pilot couldn't sight the airstrip and so couldn't come in to land.... so we went back home with bags packed!!

Back to the airport the next day and the flight was delayed a couple of hours, finally took off and were over Leh again.... this time we DID land and what a landing it was... a complete U turn before the plane came in to land and loud applause from all us.... WE were in Ladakh!!
The first day in Leh was total rest - acclimatisation to high altitude - Leh is at 11500 feet. I'm glad I did feel breathless even simply walking around and while sleeping at night, almost felt I was choking a few times. We had to repack our stuff to minimise bags an load... took out 'unnecessary' stuff... if the aquaterra guys had their way i would travel with clothes on my back and a toothbrush.

The next morning we started the long 12 hour drive on the Leh-Srinagar highway to Kargil. Kargil is just about 4 kms from the Line of Control with Pakistan. It was quite an arduous journey and we couldn't wait for it to end... the scenery all along the way was largely brown, moonscape... very beautiful but a bit monotonous and dreary. We stayed in a hotel that night.. it was the last night in a bed for some time!

The next day's journey was to Rangdum which was an incredible camp-site, in a huge valley with a humongous mountains all around and snow peaks almost in touching distance. This was the coldest night of the trip added to by incessant rain... not the perfect start to sleeping in tents!

The next morning we drove to the next campsite we drove from Rangdum to Remala which was a campsite right by the River Stod - starting point of the rafting ! finally ! This drive took us through Pensi La (La is ladakhi for Pass) which is at a height of 14500 feet and past the Drung Durung Glacier which feeds the Stod and the Zanskar river.

The next morning - 14th August - we started our over-150 KM rafting expedition down the Zanskar.... it was a heady feeling, we had all travelled for 5 days to get to this spot to start this! There were 6 other people on my raft, Left to Right below.... Rama (she was so scared of the18-down rapid that she didn't know when we were through it), Vaibhav (O Captain, my captain - the boss of the boat), Me, Sanjay (1-2, 1-2, 1-2), Gayatri (who insisted on calling all the sights "gorgeous" in an oh-so-girly manner), Sejal (the airline pilot who wanted to be pilot of this boat too) and Richard (the maddest person on the trip... kept us laughing right through).

Before I go into telling you about the rafting and how amazing it was and what it FELT like.... a bit about the other people on the trip..... apart from my raft above..... Below, Ajay and KK - enjoying a game of domino's like their life depends on it!

Antje, the super-fit-woman from Germany and the 'snobs' - well not really - Priya (the editor) and Antara ! The super-efficient German sisters - Antje and Claudia....
Sachin (the problem solver, couldn't take care of the boxers though), Sanjay, Rama, Me and Richard....
THE BOYS - Sanjay, Richard, Ajay and Me
Now.. to the rafting.... The first day's rafting was quite mild (don't tell KK i said that, he fell out in the first 10 minutes - apparently "cooling up").... getting used to our teams and the river. Th water was freezing cold and best avoided. to add to it, it was an overcast day so even colder!

It was a relief to be on the river after days of travelling, just an amazing feeling... paddling on the Zanskar in the middle of nowhere.... The campsite at Karsha was a small one but right by the river. I was a bit ill at this campsite... fever and the shivers, so pretty much rested all evening to try and bounce back for the following few days of rafting.


The next we headed out from Karsha down the river to Honyo which was by far the best campsite of the trip - picturesque and truely breathtaking.

It was a relatively short run to Honyo which gave us a fair bit of time at Honyo to enjoy the surrounding area the campsite itself. The night at Honyo was a particularly enjoyable experience, an almost clear night with a full moon and the temperature was just right to enjoy the evening. and enjoy the evening we did !

The next morning we left Honyo for a very exciting day of rafting, a fair bit of Class III rapids through beautiful gorges and canyons.


At the end of a toughish day of rafting we reached Nyerak which was going to be our "home" for 2 nights, we were going to have a rest day there. Nyerak was a good campsite though a very very dusty and steep site. The campsite was good for the rest day as it had loads of trees to sleep under and a fresh water (though very cold) stream flowing by.... the first chance to wash up and shampoo our hair for days !

It was a very relaxing day with no distractions close to nothing to do all day long. Truely vegetative....


We began the 5th day of rafting from Nyerak down to Lamaguru with a bang, serious Class IV rapids just around the corner. IT was a really good day of rafting about 35 kms. The highlight of the day was the lunch site - next to a waterfall gushing out of a rockface. A walk under the fall was a really chilling experience, it felt like ice cubes falling on your head - pounding and cold at the same time.
The last day of rafting was a really good 40 km run from Lamaguru to Nimu. The campsite at Lamagur had a been a tough one to camp at...very rocky and shoaly. The tent had been a pain to set up. The morning started with a longish photo session, this being the last day of rafting.


The take-out of the rafting expedition was at Nimu, just past the confluence of the Indus and the Zanskar, a spot we had passed on the first day on our drive.

The trip had been very tiring but exhilerating... finally got a chance to have a shower and shave, valued the basics again!

Ladakh extended

Following the rafting expedition down the Zanskar, I decided to stay on a few days in Ladakh to see a few sights.... I am so happy I did because I was able to see one of the most beautiful place in the world - Pangong Tso. The salt water lake with the clearest and bluest water I have ever seen in my life......


and the sand dunes in the Nubra Valley... a surreal sight in the mountains at that altitude...

First Ever All-English Champions League Final - 21st May 2008

Manchester United had played 2 European Cup finals and won both... a good omen, for sure.
The night before the final.... I couldnt sleep because of sheer nerves (as if I was going to be playing). Its just that I follow Manchester United all year long, year after year, looking forward to the possibility of such a final. When it comes around, I want to hold on to the moment.

So I couldnt sleep and kept thinking... what if we won, what if.... how would it feel, what would it be like... how would I celebrate. So I decided that if we do win, I would have a party at home to celebrate with all my friends (a bit over the top, i admit, but what the hell!)... photos of the party in slideshow in left margin

I found it almost impossible to work all day because of the nerves, settled down to watch the game and realised for the first time (!) that it would be excruciating to lose to Chelsea in such a final. I hate the Chelsea blues.

Ronaldo scored and my reaction was a mix of elation and caution - hold boys, dont concede immediately. keep calm. United kept attacking as only United do... 3, 4, 5 guilt-edged chances... we were playing them off the park and should have put the game away!!

Unfortunately they did equalise just before half time and the game turned a bit... United hung on and it went through to Extra Time into the dreaded penalty shoot-out... Now it was a lottery, a lottery we HAD TO WIN.

Tevez, Ballack, Carrick, Belletti all score
The last person you expected to miss was Cristiano Ronaldo, but he did.
Lampard scores to put Chelsea ahead....... Hargreaves, Cole and Nani score too.......
Up steps John Terry.... I'm sure its all over, cant bear to watch, in fact I DONT watch the penalty..... I only hear that he's missed..... YES!
SUDDEN DEATH NOW......
Anderson and Kalou take care of the first two
Up stepped, Ryan Giggs.. record 759th appearance for the club.. the most decorated footballer in the history of the sport. Coolly scores in the bottom right corner.

And then the magic moment... Anelka vs Van Der Sar.... VAN DER SAVES IT.....

European Champions again!!!!

Man Utd play a Champions League Final - 26th May 1999

(This was written in July 1999)

It had always been my dream to watch United play a European Cup final, from the heartbreaks against Monaco and Dortmund, we had finally beaten Inter and Juventus (What a game, that was!) to reach the holy grail. I had waited for this day for 14 years – ever since I saw Norman Whiteside score the only goal in the 1985 FA cup final for 10-man United to beat Everton.

I had looked forward to the match for over a month and couldn’t think of anything else for three days before. Finally the time came, the match was on ESPN (God bless them) at 12.30 in the morning here in India. My whole family had stayed out of my way cause I was on tenterhooks – WE HAD TO WIN TODAY!!!!

The match started at the fabulous and grand Camp Nou in Barcelona, I had settled into my ‘lucky seat’, in my United shirt and shorts to start the most important 90 minutes of my life. The game began pretty unimpressively – Giggs on the right and Beckham in the middle – I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t agree with Alex Ferguson (the cheek of me). Then Basler scored, the remote dropped from my hands, my wife looked at me – too scared to even say one word. I told her “We will equalise” – I was trying to convince myself too.

I watched most of the rest of the match either praying or abusing german players or cheering the united players. At half time, I just paced up and down waiting for the second half, looking to the ceiling and saying PLEASE GOD – JUST ONE GOAL, JUST ONE GOAL. My wife decided to go and try to sleep.

The second half began with no changes to the United line-up – I couldn’t believe it. Surely we needed to shake it up a little. Nothing changed , United kept trying and United couldn’t make it happen. Mehmet Scholl hit the post and Schmeichel saved a couple of shots, Jancker hit the bar! Was God saving United for something?

I had tears in my eyes and beads of sweat rolled down my forehead – the dream was coming to an end, we would have to wait for another year before we even got a chance to reach here and god knows how tough it is to reach here.

PLEASE GOD – JUST ONE GOAL!

The clock turned to 90.00, United have a corner, surely they could scramble a goal. PLEASE GOD – JUST ONE GOAL! I don’t think I remember how the goal was scored (though I have seen it 2,977 times since then) BUT we had scored. I let out a short but loud yelp, UNITED!!!! My wife woke up, but she didn’t come to the TV room. Then IT happened, Solshaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!! This time my scream was trapped in my throat. I was on my knees bending in reverence to the greatest sporting comeback EVER!

Alok called at this moment and I could barely speak into the phone...... I was sobbing and hysterical. “I have just never seen anything like it” . “I have just never seen anything like it”!!!

I saw the celebrations through tears and sobs OF JOY.

MANCHESTER UNITED – CHAMPIONS OF EUROPE AGAIN. Oh yes – We’d done the treble too.

Tuff Enuff United

Here's another one about sports - cricket this time.. This may be getting boring and somewhat repetitive for you as a reader (making a very big assumption here - that you have read more than one posting in my blog). But the reality for me is that I have learnt so many of my "life's lessons" from sport.

I had the most exciting summer of my life in 1987 or was it 88, the year is not that important.

I had my cousin, Rajan staying over for that summer and between alok, him, venkat (alok's friend), anurag (another cousin) and myself - we just had the greatest time. We played every sport possible - indoors and outdoors and did much else that need not be mentioned here. Tennis ball cricket, stick hockey on the chhat (terrace), cricket in the backyard, tennis ball football in the bedroom, 5-man tennis-ball football in the passage (its impossible to explain how this worked in words), regular football / cricket in the park, Street cricket, frisbee football, rugby with a football..... We tried and enjoyed everything !

The concept of tennis ball cricket was very new at the time..... So we got together and organised a tournament and invited teams from other areas too. I think we got about 4 or 5 teams. We called our team "Tuff Enuff United".

All the matches are a blur and have now merged into each other in my head and I have the brightest memories from this little one-week tournament - our own World Cup.

All 4 of the other members on my team were better than me (only because they were older!) And I was the passenger.... So the few times that I did something spectacular sticks in my head well. I remember playing one game just after it had rained, with puddles and slush all over the ground... Taking a catch with a full-length dive to my left is a vivid memory. I landed splattered in a huge puddle (almost a little lake I thought at the time)... Drenched head to toe in muddy water yet felt like a million bucks!

Another time in the semi-final, we were chasing a really low score and all 4 of the 'senior' members of the team were out and we needed 7 runs to win... I was alone in there - stressed and trying hard to concentrate. Seems really funny now, but I was convinced it was life-defining at the time. I was repeatedly singing the Duran Duran song 'Meet El Presidente' to myself to stay focussed. It was tremendous - calming my nerves. Bowler bowled a no ball and I hit a 6 over covers to win the game - on top of the world. Couldnt sleep for days because of the excitement.... Such are the simples joys of a simpler time. Made me understand the importance of mental discipline and concentration, being single-minded and focussed is so crucial to getting things done.

We went on to win the tournament.. World Champions - errrr, sort of.

Fever Pitch

This was a long time back.. I was in Class 9 in Modern School, Vasant Vihar in Delhi

I used to play in this Football league called DIFL in delhi... was great fun.. the first organised tournament I ever played in... We had a match against another team and i just dont remember for the life of me who the other team were.

The night before the match, I had a 102 fever and there is no way I should have played the next day, but I did. Very little bravado, a lot of youthful stupidity.

Strangely, as it often happens, the adversity brings out the best in us. I was never a particularly good footballer but I played out of my skin that day and enjoyed myself so much.... scored the first goal within 16 seconds of the start. My friend Sidharth Yadav and I were the only 2 players on the pitch who touched the ball before I scored. It was an exhilarating feeling and one I will never forget in my life.

I was fortunate enough to score another one in the second half and we won 3-0.

I dont remember whether I fell ill after or felt worse... I do remember that one hour of exhilaration and ecstacy.... lesson learnt... enjoy the moment... you'll always remember the moment and not the aftermath!

The day "Indian Pride" changed forever

25th June 1983 - For most Indians, especially cricket fans (which is most Indians), that day will remain etched in memory as the most glorious EVER.

For years and years, we asked each other WHERE WERE YOU when Kapil Dev lifted the Prudential Cup on the balcony of Lords?

I was in London, BUT not at Lords and not even anywhere watching the match... I was 11 years old and with mom, dad and alok. We were shopping around London - fortunately we were shopping for a VCR... fortunately because that meant we were going into electronic stores which had TVs and the match on!

I will not profess to remember moments from that day, I was way too young... but I do remember a buzz around. I could sense that something of a big deal was gong on around us and all the Indians we saw seemed to be excited.... I do remember some moments (maybe what I remember is from the 5000 times I have watched replays of the match)....

Sandhu getting one to come in to get Greenidge... Perplexing...

Kapil Dev running 40 yards, looking over his shoulder, taking Viv Richards' catch... Richie Benaud says, "Good Shot" and then quickly changes it to "Not SO Good"....

Clive Lloyd being caught by Kapil again..... Richie Benaud goes "He's GONNNNNNE"... words that bring goose-pimples to me even as i write this

Dujon playing-on Mohinder Amarnath and then banging the pitch in frustration and disgust..... and of course, the final moment when Holding was LBW to Amarnath... and all the Indian players gleefully running towards the pavilion in triumph, relief, joy, disbelief, excitement, pride - all rolled into one heady concoction!

Moments such as this happen very seldom in history and leave you wondering where was I when India won the World Cup for the first time?